haha.. yeah like anyone is gonna see this

right now i wish i could be in my own apartment far away from here, only me and one other person. me and him, we'd lay around all day and drink beer and get high and watch movies and cuddle and i'd cook us food and he'd be working at that government job and everything would be okay. then i would be happy.

i don't know if everything happens for a reason.
he was changing [iwaschanging], we were moving away.
every time something good is going to happen for me, i screw it up.
i don't know what's going to happen, i hurt him & i wish i could take back what i did.
i was the one that never lied, never cheated.
not anymore.
there's no one "perfect" out there, but there's the someone that is better than the rest

it's srsly only been like 6 days since topher's been locked up but i feel like i'm going insane. it's probly gonna be a while til he gets out
i just wrote him a letter today and i hope he gets that polaroid devin dear took of us.
i can't stand being away from him & i'm ready to move. i need a change of scenery bc i haven't felt this unhappy in a long time, even as unhappy as i've been. i've lived in san antonio my whole life and i've never met so many shady, rude, trashy people in my life until this past year.
i just wanna leave

i'm watching drinky crow :)
yay alcoholic animals.

one year and two days ago i met topher
all night random memories have been in my head.
the day i met topher i tried to completely ignore him but i couldn't.
we were all strung out in our underwear in my room with my monster-lights on laughing @ nothing and non-stop talking.
kissing and flirting like retards. and the beach! the beach. i spent over like $300. we were drunk all day everyday. staying in that hotel room we got. how i drove over that ledge and the cop thought i was drunk but i wasn't... i'm just short.
the time that topher left me alone in my car with that guy just got out of prison for 7 years and was like "this is the first time i've been alone with a girl." so creepy. i locked my keys in my car that night and thought some drug dealer stole my keys 'cause i was so wired. i'm glad our drug days are over.
all the times in my car and at the river.


( it just seems appropriate )

it's almost 2009 & i'm still sittin' at home wtf
well i turned 19 yesterday and i've had a crazy ass week
bloody hands broken windows flights of stairs bruises and knife wounds
crazy bitches hair pulling cases after cases hahaha
okay well i'm off to may's then hangin' out with topher maybe
i'll be wasted soon bye byeee

peace out bitches

i don't know where my life is going at all, i'm lost and i don't like being here. i just want to get it over with and see what's next but it feels like it's never going to come. i've never felt this way before, i've always been fine with things coming to a close and moving on to the next big thing. i could wait it out. now i'm so anxious that i don't know what to do with myself. i've locked myself indoors which possibly can't help. i just sleep and wait for his phone calls and that's really it. i don't have any motivation to get a job, i don't have a car. i basically am too depressed to try. try anything, do anything, help myself, make myself happy. which i want really bad, i want to be happy again and be positive like i used to be but i'm not and i know i won't be if i don't get off my ass and ughh

i knew one day someone was going to die and someone was going to blame me for it. maybe i'm rly bad luck like everyone says

small changes toward being a good person.. little flaws can come with big consequences sometimes
impulsiveness. acting without regard for others. not listening. being stubborn. fucking up over and over and apologizing over and over.
well i'm tired of having to apologize so why can't i just be someone else?

tonight i fucked up
i was being harassed by someone i already hate. grow the fuck up i didn't do shit. the same shit happens every time he's around, he's like the worst person i've ever met and i've tried convincing myself otherwise so many times. it's not like me to say i hate someone
should have thought my actions through better before i got drunk... always do things impulsively i've gotta stop that.
only thinking of myself and how i'm hurting about this and that and what is happening to me

i'm sry but i don't wanna be punished for trying to stand up for myself
betrayed and at the same time i feel like i was selfish and hurt someone else. so i'm still not saying i'm completely right because i'm sure i added so much shit to the situation to make it worse i could have just found a way to leave i could have tried harder.



every day it's another thing with me... god, i need help

everything i think.... there's a reason for it & i need to stop mistrusting myself. tonight takes first place in the most stressful nights above all others category. "drink my problems away" didn't rly work for everyone who wanted that to come true.

as for me, i played the same game and lost, like every other time. maybe some things just aren't meant to happen... but i can't just accept it. i never will. what i have with this person will be unlike anything else i will ever have again. nothing will come close, i guess that's why it's so sad. i know i have to let this go, but yet again i know that won't happen.

0he tried saving me but in the end he just wanted me to save him. but i never asked for anyone to save me, i just wanted him happy. i guess everything i can do isn't enough